At my house you never can tell when revelation will strike! In this particular instance, I was sitting at the kitchen table ordering my thoughts for the day and anticipating my morning latte when I was joined by my son, who began to unceremoniously devour a bowl of cereal. The raucous slapping lips and grinding molars that ensued were enough to disorder my thoughts, and I began a well-rehearsed speech on chewing with your mouth open, consideration for the sleeping neighbors, etc. As my highly instructive diatribe came to an end, my son departed enlightened and my wife joined me at the table. I mulled my thoughts in silence for a moment and was struck with a singular notion: “I wonder if I make that much noise when I’m eating?” Knowing that she would be honest yet gentle, I turned to my wife and posed the question. She smiled ever so slightly and I had my answer.
For some unknown reason, the proverbial blinders hit the floor that fateful morning and I walked around for a torturous couple of days with eyes wide open, seeing with startling clarity the kids failing to pick up after themselves, forgetting to lift the toilet seat, snapping at one another in exasperated tones and chewing with their mouths wide open: all examples of their incredible ability to imitate me perfectly.
It’s reasonably painless to yuck it up about my son smacking his lips at breakfast or leaving his socks on the living room floor, but the revelation didn’t stop there. What about the way they relate to others, how polite and considerate they are, how respectful and selfless? What about their hopes, dreams and aspirations; how they spend their money; how they spend their time; how they relate to God?
I’ve joked about instructing my children to “do as I say, not as I do,” knowing full well the foolishness of this statement, and then I’ve gone about the business of fatherhood as if it were a foundational principle, tried and true. But with growing awareness I found myself stumbling upon the single most important truth in parenting: the way my children behave is my fault.
I’ve personally concocted brilliant arguments to the contrary but, with rare exception, it is the truth. My children are modeling my behavior perfectly. Unfortunately, there are ever growing opportunities to shirk this responsibility via the latest psychological phenomena, via a newly coined disorder or the latest dietetic analysis, but the fact remains: I taught them to act how they are acting.
After suffering through this realization and struggling to come to grips with my pride and selfishness and a tremendous sense of inadequacy, hope began to rise as I considered another truth which I have experienced over many years as a son, a husband, a father, a friend and a manager: it is much easier to change myself than to change someone else.
Principle Based Evaluation: In order to find the right answer, you must ask the right question. I think I am now asking the right question: what needs to change about me? I asked my wife. She smiled.
